I've been in the online dating scene for a longgg time (2 serious relationships, "dating" a handful, and lots of dates in general), have also dealt with anxiety/depression - which absolutely impact getting into the dating scene - and have some insights that might be helpful. It's been some serious trial and error to the point where through all of it, I've learned a tremendous amount about myself, how to approach dating, and ultimately what steps would put me in the best position to find genuine, healthy love.
Again, I truly believe what I'm writing is "the correct" advice after years of therapy, obsessive analysis, and failing so many times. I don't want you guys to keep spinning your wheels like I did for the last at least 7 years (I'm 30).
What a large portion of this thread is missing that has taken me years and years to figure out is how important it is for you to be happy with yourself. If you truly think you're not good enough (you are good enough btw), how can you expect someone else to? My most serious and intense relationship started off because I was depressed and she made me feel worthwhile and happy - for the first time in a long time. Hell, on our first date I got extremely drunk at karaoke and asked for a bartender's number - that's where my mind was! Though the relationship "felt right" and it was extremely passionate, loving, etc., in the end it simply wasn't right. Relationships fail for 2 reasons: bad fit, or bad timing. Neither of us were "wrong," neither of us were "right," it just wasn't a good fit, and certainly not good timing given my mental state.
So we've established it's imperative to love yourself and feel confident in who you are before dating. How do you do that?
You do soul searching. You figure out what makes you, you, and why you're proud of it. Go to therapy if you can - if your parents have insurance, you're covered until 26 years old. Being able to speak out loud, have someone genuinely listen, and offer professional, personally tailored advice to help you improve yourself has been - quite literally - a lifesaver for me. I went from someone who would pop drugs/alcohol on dates in attempts to make myself as desirable as possible, to not doing that and being able to shrug off denial (to an extent, of course). I'm extremely proud of how far I've come, and really just urge you guys to take that step if you find yourself unhappy. To relate back to this thread directly, again, this is paramount before even thinking of the nuances/quirks/merits of dating apps, meeting at bars, or anything else. You got this.
A lot of you struggle with image issues, as I have many times myself. Here's what I've realized: notwithstanding the common view of "I'm just ugly, there's nothing I can do about it," here's the truth: if physical attractiveness matters to you in a partner, you should absolutely hold yourself to a standard that YOU'RE proud of. You don't have to go HAM on starting to workout every day, etc., but it is absolutely shocking how much more physically attractive someone can become from slowly getting in shape, eating decently, buying some cheap clothes that look good on you, spending $20 on teeth whitening - not to mention confidence in and of itself is attractive! You can absolutely be more attractive with much less effort than you think. Shoot me a DM if you want to talk about it.
Alright cool: so life is kind of annoying, but you're feeling fairly happy. You're starting to value yourself more, maybe you hit up therapy, and just timing wise with everything else you're in a good spot to start trying to date. Fasten up, your boy with over 100 dates in his belt who has been in fulfilling relationships, not so fulfilling relationships, seen many successful dating app marriages, and lived in multiple places - is here to give you the 100% objective truth on how dating apps should be approached to maximize success and efficiency for finding a great fit.
But we first have to address the notion "dating apps are complete shit because of x y z." Well yeah, if you're using them incorrectly - otherwise they are an incredible way to effectively play the "law of large numbers" game for finding a girlfriend.
I will walk through with you what to do step by step:
1) Download Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder
2) On each, make a profile.
Here's something fundamental with dating apps guys: every little thing you put in needs to be both representative of yourself and concisely sums up some cool things about you other people might like. Swiping left/right is making as educated of a guess as possible if you'd be a good fit for someone, so put your best foot forward! Big fan of the outdoors? Find a cool pic of yourself in nature, or just a cool picture you took. Love your family? Put a pic of them in. In your profile bio, be concise and write about some of your interests. It doesn't need to be dramatic, over the top, or anything else.
For example:
Aggie. Soccer fan. Music Enthusiast. Adventurer.
I drink and I know things.
---
In doing so - while it's obviously not perfect (which seems to be a big complaint of everyone), you are showing sides of you that can invite conversation. Maybe they went to my college, - or hate the Aggies. Maybe we can talk about music, or traveling. Maybe they're a fan of Game of Thrones and we can bitch about how bad the last few seasons were!
3) Start swiping - but do so intelligently.
You will match with people. You won't match with people. You'll match and you'll decide you don't want to message them. They'll match you and decide they don't want to message you. You'll be ghosted.
There's no rules to dating apps and you cannot be upset if someone doesn't feel like responding. That will happen a lot, and you'll have to learn to shrug it off.
4) You match someone and message first (Tinder, Hinge)
There is one rule to pickup lines: don't try to hard. Be yourself; aka if you start off with a joke, don't make it to impress them for validation. In fact, it's completely ok to say something as simple as "Hey xyz - how's your week been?"
I've made a lot of "this is the most important thing so listen carefully" points, but what I'm about to say is the most important thing, so listen carefully.
Your goal is not to give your life story, play 20 questions, or anything crazy - bullshit small talk is a necessity for what I personally believe is the most important function of dating apps: to get you to go on a legit date with someone where you can ACTUALLY quickly move past the often awkward, impersonal texts back and forth on a dating app. Think of it as an investment.
5) Message back and forth for a few days. Don't be clingy, respond in two seconds (whether true or not, it does give the impression that you are desperate, and that is 1) a turn off and 2) incorrect)
On the 3rd day of some back and forth, ask her (or him) on a date. This is where people struggle the most. If it's early during the week, say something like: Wanna grab drinks either on Wednesday or Thurs? xyz bar has a really chill vibe and would be fun.
Easy. You were direct (attractive), gave me them options/didn't appear too desperate (attractive) and offered a place you genuinely like going to that would be fun. That already says a lot about you. Also - while I do think bars are the premier place for first dates, coffee shops are also really good. Both safe and effective bets for a first date.
She responds. Cool, get her number, text her the next morning and say what's up. Again, you've already scheduled to meet in person, so why risk the downside of incorrectly displaying who you are over text? Play it cool, be yourself, and be confident on the date!
Was the date fun, and you want to see her again (would be dinner next time btw), text her the next morning you had a fun time and should hang out again! If she felt the same way, cool! If not, or you were ghosted, no big deal! It wasn't going to be a good fit anyway. Also - on the topic of ghosting: remember how I said there weren't really any rules to dating apps? Ghosting is extremely common, can be hurtful, but honestly guys: if you get ghosted, that's literally the same thing as being told they don't want to hang out again. It will happen a lot, but who cares.
6) Do it again at a rate you that is reasonable to you!
Does 1 date a month feel like enough? If you are actively trying to find a partner, that isn't enough - from a mathematical standpoint. If you are matching with some people, are having good conversation, etc., what's so bad about going on even 1 date a week - if everything else in your life feels somewhat in order? There is absolutely nothing wrong with it and is in fact a great way to eventually finding a great fit. Still, ease into it, but adjust expectations accordingly. Also: I absolutely understand how the nuances to one's, for example, location that would make this not feasible; i.e., living in a rural area. That's really annoying, and I'll think more about what I would personally do if isolated but willing to do a long distance relationship.
That's it, y'all. If you can't already tell, I love talking about this kind of stuff. If you have any questions or want some advice, would love to help out - either post them in this thread or shoot me a DM.
So, like, just saying but the literal professional said there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe she was a bad therapist, I dunno.
