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Self Confidence
- Thread starter Scrubs
- Start date
I would also like some help. I have the same shyness problem and it's making my college experience just as boring as my high school experience.
I'm a very, very shy person too (I think a lot of Smogoners are), but I have many friends, and a big social life. I achieved this in the past few years using a few 'techniques' that I mention below.
With personalities like ours though, we do have to approach socializing differently.
Firstly, you need to stick to your current friends. Make sure you're really close, and that will mean that you will always have them, if all else fails.
Secondly, use your current friends to make new friends. Your friends will have friends that you don't know. Try to organize small gatherings with a few of your friends and their friends. Make sure there's under 10 people, so that you won't be left out of the group, and so that there'll always be someone to talk to. After a few occasions, you may be close enough to these friends to be able to meet up with them without your connection. Eventually you'll have a big 'web' of people's social lives intertwined with your own. It's pretty difficult to make new friends on your own.
Also, the use of social networking websites such as Facebook help to get yourself involved with others. You can find out about people before you decide to meet them, so you can get some expectations about what they'll be like before you meet them, and you can also find out who both of you know.
Two important things to do though are be nice, yet fun, and NEVER gossip. Gossiping may seem like an easy way to make conversation, but it's just darn cruel and will not provide a very comfortable and laid-back atmosphere for you. If you happen to be with someone who likes gossiping excessively, they're not worth the effort to make good friends with.
Basically, don't try to make new friends on your own. Always use your closest friends to help you, and hopefully you can talk with them about your problems. Also, be yourself when you're with them. Don't try and act cool, as they'll notice and be annoyed. Also, be relaxed when you're around new people. Having your friends around helps, but just remember that people aren't going to remember anything stupid that you do after a couple of hours, and if they're nice, they probably won't care either. And finally, if people tease you, and try to lower your self-esteem, you should distance yourself away from them. It'll do you little good to try to still be friends with them.
With personalities like ours though, we do have to approach socializing differently.
Firstly, you need to stick to your current friends. Make sure you're really close, and that will mean that you will always have them, if all else fails.
Secondly, use your current friends to make new friends. Your friends will have friends that you don't know. Try to organize small gatherings with a few of your friends and their friends. Make sure there's under 10 people, so that you won't be left out of the group, and so that there'll always be someone to talk to. After a few occasions, you may be close enough to these friends to be able to meet up with them without your connection. Eventually you'll have a big 'web' of people's social lives intertwined with your own. It's pretty difficult to make new friends on your own.
Also, the use of social networking websites such as Facebook help to get yourself involved with others. You can find out about people before you decide to meet them, so you can get some expectations about what they'll be like before you meet them, and you can also find out who both of you know.
Two important things to do though are be nice, yet fun, and NEVER gossip. Gossiping may seem like an easy way to make conversation, but it's just darn cruel and will not provide a very comfortable and laid-back atmosphere for you. If you happen to be with someone who likes gossiping excessively, they're not worth the effort to make good friends with.
Basically, don't try to make new friends on your own. Always use your closest friends to help you, and hopefully you can talk with them about your problems. Also, be yourself when you're with them. Don't try and act cool, as they'll notice and be annoyed. Also, be relaxed when you're around new people. Having your friends around helps, but just remember that people aren't going to remember anything stupid that you do after a couple of hours, and if they're nice, they probably won't care either. And finally, if people tease you, and try to lower your self-esteem, you should distance yourself away from them. It'll do you little good to try to still be friends with them.
I think you need some responsibility. I was in a similar situation before I was appointed deputy head boy during sixth form (not sure of the US equivalent, but I was 17). The experience brought out the best in me, because the school, my teachers, and the rest of the senior team (head boy + head/deputy head girl) relied upon my contributions.
So I would advise joining a sports/quiz/anything team where other people rely on you. Ideally there would be competitions and stuff where you are put on the spot, and need to stand up and be counted. You will gain confidence through the experience of setting and overcoming goals/challenges with the benefit of support and kudos from other team members. Further, being in a team puts you in a social situation where you already have a talking point.
So I would advise joining a sports/quiz/anything team where other people rely on you. Ideally there would be competitions and stuff where you are put on the spot, and need to stand up and be counted. You will gain confidence through the experience of setting and overcoming goals/challenges with the benefit of support and kudos from other team members. Further, being in a team puts you in a social situation where you already have a talking point.
Definately agreeing with McGraw. Responsibility definately gives you a greater sense of confidence, because you know there are expectations to uphold, and it's human nature to (attempt) to be better than others. Really, you don't join a sports team to be a benchwarmer, but have the desire to do good, and be better than your team mates. (If you disagree with this, you're a liar -__-).
So, get involved in something where you are expected to perform well, and this is a positive way to get your confidence up, guaranteed.
Me personally, I joined the tutoring program here at Smogon to not only help others, but to show I am responsible, and I'm feeling confident already ^___^
So, get involved in something where you are expected to perform well, and this is a positive way to get your confidence up, guaranteed.
Me personally, I joined the tutoring program here at Smogon to not only help others, but to show I am responsible, and I'm feeling confident already ^___^
Yup, mcgraw had a pretty good point to make there.
Im not sure what i can say really, ive never been that shy. i just sort of jump in without thinking (thats probably why i keep losing battles haha).
The thing is, you really need to just make that jump, and if it goes bad, just move on. if you keep thinking about somthing that went wrong, you always start to feel bad, eg "why didnt i say that, god im such a douche" etc.
just sort of get in there, join groups and reach out to different people, its worked out pretty well for me so far.
Im not sure what i can say really, ive never been that shy. i just sort of jump in without thinking (thats probably why i keep losing battles haha).
The thing is, you really need to just make that jump, and if it goes bad, just move on. if you keep thinking about somthing that went wrong, you always start to feel bad, eg "why didnt i say that, god im such a douche" etc.
just sort of get in there, join groups and reach out to different people, its worked out pretty well for me so far.
I find that you just have to believe in yourself. A lot of people around me often see me as a bit shy and retiring and always I don't know doing my homework or Theorymoning (obviously they just assume I am doing my homework). The truth is that you have to believe in yoursself and just present yourself as you are. One of my friends said that (as she didnt feel she was as good at science as she could have been) she though she was going to fail Science GCSE, but the thing that kept her going in the exam was just to think "I'm a scientist, I can do this) A bit corny but it works. If you think to yourself that you are confident and prepared to make new friends etc... Then you will go a lot further. Oh and pro tip, spending less time on Smogon will also work, spend more time about and about (Sorry chaos)
I'm not the most insightful person, but friendship can be pretty weak with the wrong people and entirely empty if you try to make new friends just for the sake of not feeling alienated.
Believe me, I've tried just because other people said I needed to speak up more often, but the same people who told me this never wanted to talk to me and I got nowhere at all with anyone.
Friendship isn't an exact science, anyway. I've seen people who hated each other for a while become friends and people who were friends for years become enemies to never associate them self with the other again.
To support my usual philosophy, shamelessness is something we should all indulge in without tempering, and shyness certainly is usually in a vein of shame. If you could get in the mindset of being shameless, then you would certainly stop being shy.
Having friends or not certainly does not rely on being shy or not. I have no close friends because I also worship at the altar of selfishness and I do not find that most people talk about what I want to talk about or want to do the activities that I do (although I did in high school, but he went to OU, I am at UT, so we are hundreds of miles apart). If you have no friends, then you might not have that much to offer; people do not want to waste their time with someone in a way that does not pleasure them!
Having friends or not certainly does not rely on being shy or not. I have no close friends because I also worship at the altar of selfishness and I do not find that most people talk about what I want to talk about or want to do the activities that I do (although I did in high school, but he went to OU, I am at UT, so we are hundreds of miles apart). If you have no friends, then you might not have that much to offer; people do not want to waste their time with someone in a way that does not pleasure them!
I've been thinking about how to post in this topic, and I've come up with this:
Just get your ass out there. They pyramids weren't built overnight; it's going to take you some time to get used to yourself in certain situations, but you have to put yourself in those situations first. What I mean is, a person doesn't overcome an obstacle unless they face it head on. If you can't run a marathon, you train until you build up your endurance. This is no different... get out there and get into social situations that you might usually avoid. Strike up conversations with someone sitting next to you in class. I'm sure you can find something to say, everyone likes the same basic things at your age. McGraw mentioned taking up a sport or joining a club, and that's perfect. Find something you like/are good at, and pursue it with others. That will automatically break the ice and give you something to talk about.
Humans are beasts of habit. You have to continually make attempts to better yourself, or it just won't happen. So, yeah, that's my advice. Challenge yourself.
Just get your ass out there. They pyramids weren't built overnight; it's going to take you some time to get used to yourself in certain situations, but you have to put yourself in those situations first. What I mean is, a person doesn't overcome an obstacle unless they face it head on. If you can't run a marathon, you train until you build up your endurance. This is no different... get out there and get into social situations that you might usually avoid. Strike up conversations with someone sitting next to you in class. I'm sure you can find something to say, everyone likes the same basic things at your age. McGraw mentioned taking up a sport or joining a club, and that's perfect. Find something you like/are good at, and pursue it with others. That will automatically break the ice and give you something to talk about.
Humans are beasts of habit. You have to continually make attempts to better yourself, or it just won't happen. So, yeah, that's my advice. Challenge yourself.
I used to be a bit like you a few years back I guess, quite shy and I just seemed to "stick" with my band of friends.
Eventually one of my friends decided to join a Martial Arts club and asked me to come along, and I enjoyed it so much I stayed for over four years, and I made many new friends of many ages, and it boosted my confidence too. I met some people who go to my school that I would never have spoken to normally (heck, I even revised with a couple of them to help me pass exams), and I became really good friends with a couple, which then meant I didn't have to stay with the same people all the time. It then introduced me to their friends, so suddenly everything changed.
In my opinion, just join a club that you have never tried before. I would never have dared think I would've enjoyed a martial art, but I did. You can always quit if you don't enjoy it. If you join a club the people there are generally really friendly because they are there for the same reason as you (most of them anyway), and whilst you get a few who are complete...idiots, it is definitely worth the time and effort. :]
Eventually one of my friends decided to join a Martial Arts club and asked me to come along, and I enjoyed it so much I stayed for over four years, and I made many new friends of many ages, and it boosted my confidence too. I met some people who go to my school that I would never have spoken to normally (heck, I even revised with a couple of them to help me pass exams), and I became really good friends with a couple, which then meant I didn't have to stay with the same people all the time. It then introduced me to their friends, so suddenly everything changed.
In my opinion, just join a club that you have never tried before. I would never have dared think I would've enjoyed a martial art, but I did. You can always quit if you don't enjoy it. If you join a club the people there are generally really friendly because they are there for the same reason as you (most of them anyway), and whilst you get a few who are complete...idiots, it is definitely worth the time and effort. :]
Wow, all of these reply's are great. All of you make really good point, I actually can't wait for school tomorrow. I'll try to work out of this mind set of being shy, cause it's making my life hell.
This is probably my biggest problems, I guess whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Tomorrow, I am gonna go out and try to make friends, cause I've learned they don't come to you. I'm defently gonna save this topic, for a moral boost. I'd also like to sencerly thank all who posted in this topic, I'm glad that Smogon is such a nice and helpfull place.
Yeah, I used to be the same way, you just have to break out of your shell, maybe you could join clubs/sports as mentioned above, or even just having a conversation with someone new, stuff like that. Just try to be yourself and not care what others think of you, do what you want to do.
You are probably someone who thinks about yourself a lot, I'm not trying to insult you, but you are probably very self conscious and you have to stop worrying about what people think of you. People don't focus on you as much as you think, just think about how much you focus on other people. Also, you also have to realize that if you mess up and don't leave a good impression on someone, that it's not the end of the world, and that it's natural for some people to dislike you. If you're only being yourself and someone doesn't like you then they're not fit to be your friend is all.
I used to be shy, but I have a pretty large network of friends. Mostly because my high school class is very small (56 students or so) and I have classes with most of them, I've had multiple classes with all of them at some point in the last four years. Also, I have a lot of more social friends who introduce me to new people, that is how I generally branch out.
I think you'd be best off simply making friends with your friends's friends. If you keep doing this, you'll soon have a huge network of friends, and you'll be content. :) However, the danger of this is that you have so many friends that you can't get any very close friends.
Don't torture yourself with regrets, that's my best and pretty much only advise.
The vast majority of people are friendly enough, even if they're not necessarily your people.
One thing that helps: take a joke, unless it's something out of bounds.
Warning: the last 2 sentences probably do not apply to most people you will meet if you are still at school, don't know why but school makes arseholes out of people.
The vast majority of people are friendly enough, even if they're not necessarily your people.
One thing that helps: take a joke, unless it's something out of bounds.
Warning: the last 2 sentences probably do not apply to most people you will meet if you are still at school, don't know why but school makes arseholes out of people.
Ugh, I was deciding whether or not to actaully reply to this topic. May as well since I've got nothing to lose.
Okay, I think I've become a bit anti social due to my shyness. I'm fine talking and interacting with people I'm comfortable with but to others, I generally keep my distance and rarely speak unless I have to. Last Friday I went on a trip to a UNYA convention with about 9 other kids from my modern class. Problem was, none of them were people I was friendly with, so I generally sat with myself etc, which made me feel like complete shit ona a stick aftewards (I still feel pretty crappy now). Sometimes if I force myself to talk to someone, I tend to feel arkward and that I've said the wrong things to people (I also tend to talk quietly heh).
Also
Hopefully that made sense.
Okay, I think I've become a bit anti social due to my shyness. I'm fine talking and interacting with people I'm comfortable with but to others, I generally keep my distance and rarely speak unless I have to. Last Friday I went on a trip to a UNYA convention with about 9 other kids from my modern class. Problem was, none of them were people I was friendly with, so I generally sat with myself etc, which made me feel like complete shit ona a stick aftewards (I still feel pretty crappy now). Sometimes if I force myself to talk to someone, I tend to feel arkward and that I've said the wrong things to people (I also tend to talk quietly heh).
Also
This quote covers the majority of what I'm struggling with - my self confindence is microscopic since I feel that most people think I'm a joke X_x.
Hopefully that made sense.
I'm the opposite... I'm over-social, and I usually forget to think before I talk. Remember that, so if I sound like a retard... be nice. ._.
But my sister used to be really shy. She would never even go to the snack bar or anything unless someone went with her. But we pushed her to go out and do stuff, and she eventually came out of her shell.
But my sister used to be really shy. She would never even go to the snack bar or anything unless someone went with her. But we pushed her to go out and do stuff, and she eventually came out of her shell.
School makes people arseholes if they've been treated poorly even some of the way through and have problems learning or focusing when they're REALLY trying to. Even if they have alot of friends, It's alot of pressure and unnecessary projects for teachers. If this is true and they're really trying to stay focused, taking a joke won't be easy and they'll be annoyed by people's nonstop squrewing around. This is the small minority of people who aren't friendly because coming out of school could make everything else seem like it's not worth the effort. Entirely true or not, It's what I've seen.
And yes, letting regrets bother you sucks.