How to help someone deal with a death

[Sanglunaria]

My boyfriend's grandfather (who he was very close to) had been very ill for a while and he just died very late last night. To put it simply, I don't really know what to do or say to my boyfriend to console him.

I feel naive because I've never had to deal with a death of anyone close before, and even so, I'm not very close to any of my relatives at all (considering how most of them live on the other side of the world in Taiwan so I never see them). I'm afraid I'll say or do something stupid or that will come off as being "cold," even when it's just that I don't know better. Sure, he has a fair number of friends here at college, but really, the only person he spills emotional stuff to is me, which kind of puts me in an awkward position at the moment because I don't know what to do.

Advice, please?

 

[CaptKirby]

Well, my grandfather just died two weeks ago, and it was the worst experience of my life. I know everyone deals with death differently, but the one thing I think has to be true for anyone who is a realist is that you want to punch every single person who tells you "it'll be okay" or, even worse, "you'll get over it," so do not tell him either of those things. It will never be okay that you lost the future experiences you might have had with a person to death. Just stay with him, hug him, tell him that his sadness reflects his care for his grandfather and that being sad over it is definitely okay.

 

[Thunderpup]

Just stay with him, hug him, tell him that his sadness reflects his care for his grandfather and that being sad over it is definitely okay.

Exactly, let him know that you really care about him, and let him know you're going to be there for him.

And it's true, you're asking for advice about it because you really do care about him, and that's really beautiful. It might take a long time for him to actually be able to deal with it, but you just need to be understanding, patient, and let him know you care.

 

[DM]

Presence is really all that you can give him. This is something that he has to deal with in his own mind, and only time will ease his pain, but in the meantime having you near will make it easier for him to handle.

 

[Yuri]

My mother died five years ago, I was fourteen, my brother was twelve and I don't wish such experience to anyone. Let him know that you will be there for whatever he needs and he will need you more than ever. Just be careful to not overdo it or it is going to look like you pity him and this is the last thing someone in this situation wants.

 

[Hiro]

Depending on how close they were I'd say just be there for him. If they were very close, the best thing you can do is just let him know you're there and that you're not going anywhere. Let him pour his efforts into denial/anger/acceptance etc. - he's got to come to terms with this with himself before he can talk to you about it.

As for the opposite - I can relate; I'm not very close with my family either and if one of them were to die I'm almost positive I'd 'act' like I would be over it in a matter of days. However, I think the best action in this scenario would be to again let him know you're there and maybe try and get him to talk about the good times.

Hope that helps and good luck. Oh, and this might be debatable (w/e) but if he's a smart guy, there's not much you can do to overdo it. Instead of being worried of overdoing anything, be afraid of under doing.