Serious Dealing with divorce

[Adamant Zoroark]

Hi. I realize this is a very touchy topic to some people, but I'm in quite a bit of need of help.

Basically, on Saturday I found out my parents are getting divorced. To be honest, I saw this coming for years; they always seemed to have something to fight about every god damn day, to the point that their constant fighting was affecting both my mood and my brother's. However, even seeing the whole thing coming from a mile away hasn't helped a damn bit regarding my anxiety.

Back when my brother was around 18-19 years old (~5-6 years ago), there was some kind of issue regarding my brother holding views that alienated our mother, and the ensuing fights when our dad took his side nearly drove them to divorce. Even knowing that they'd always find something to fight about regardless, I still can't shake the feeling that something I said drove them to this point. Plus, I just end up feeling like as time goes on, they'll both pressure my brother and I into picking sides, and there's another feeling that anything I could possibly say would only make things worse.

So I guess I'm just looking for help on how to handle this whole thing... So I guess, if you think you have anything that can help, post here. If you've been through the situation of parents getting divorced, feel free to talk about your experiences as well, as perspectives from people whose parents are divorced would probably be helpful. I'm just suffering from so much anxiety that I can't even sleep.

 

[Gabe]

Well, my parents ended their relationship a long time ago so I don't really get the anxiety.

Can't force two grown people to stay together. Don't pick sides, but try to be there for both of them and stress that they can still have an amicable relationship even if they no longer have a romantic one. What really matters is that they continue being good parents to you guys.

IMO there's nothing really to be anxious about. Shit happens and what really matters is their happiness. You sound like you have a lot of guilt / feel blame towards your brother but I doubt you guys are what drove them apart. If anything you might have kept them together longer than they wanted to be. If they were fighting all the time they probably just did not get along, people change throughout relationships.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's no sole fault here -- it just didn't work out and it's time for them to move on with their lives. Be supportive of them.

 

[Thatwackycruton]

Alight, I feel this was needed since My parents got divorced less than a year ago due to some pretty messed up stuff that I don't want to go into, although I have with a few people on this site. And after 17 years of what was, up until that point, what I presumed to be very happy marriage. My older brother was hardly around, and with both my little siblings needing care due to my mom getting a full time job, I was basically there to mother my younger siblings, which I hated. Throughout this entire time, my chronic anger got even worse, which at that point I didn't think was possible. I was really ashamed of my parents, especially my mom, so I hid it from all of my friends and classmates. I was stranded, horribly damaged, hateful, and alone. My parents, my role models, my world, were destroyed, and there was nothing that I could do. I was so horribly helpless against the tide of despair that was ripping my life limb from limb.

In my despair, I secluded myself. I spent more time on the internet and came back to smogon. And... well, I found empathetic people. People who were willing to help. Friends. I still am harboring a fair bit of hellish hatred toward my mother and, while I've forgiven her a little, I understand that I can never love her like I once did. Still, I feel like it happened for a reason. I'm no longer nearly as reliant on my parents, I feel I'm somewhat more mature and, as much as it hurts, I needed a wake-up call in my life to what's really, really important, which is the bonds I've formed and the friends that will be there for me even when my own family isn't.

However, I'm not here just to say stuff about me, I'm gonna do my best to help. I still don't know if I'm in a position to do this since I'm still recovering from the shock and anger of it all, but I'm gonna do my best. They say the best way to recover from a tragedy is to thrust yourself back into your regular life, and I can say that, as unbearably hard as that is to do, it's a good idea to try to do that. If you do it long enough, you'll find that your life isn't as inhibited as you thought by this. Make sure to talk to people, maybe someone who will understand and can help you with what you're going through. If you can't find someone like that, than someone who's simply willing to comfort you is good too. It took me 9 months to do this but boy, am I glad I did. Try to understand what happened happened and that there's no use stressing over it for too long. Let your parents know how feel. Yes, I know they're going through a lot of "stress" but they shot themselves in the foot, while you and I basically got shot down due to no fault of our own. Try to not be accusatory when telling them how you feel, but if you're upset with them- tell them that.

I don't have much else to say, but remember that we're all behind you man.​

 

[QuickBH]

I know a friend who's parents are divorced. All I can say is try to visit both of them. I know that many (especially on the father's side) wants to see theit child despite rough differences. You're old enough to not be in child custody so you should be able to do that. I know I can't give much, but it's a way to ease the pain if you had a good relationship with your parents.

 

[apt-get]

My parents divorced when I was pretty young. It was never much of an issue for me, but one of the things that hit me the hardest was how my mother really wanted me to pick her side, while my father tried not show his animosity while we were together. I've also been saddened by recurrent phone "conversations" which regularly ended in shouting between them when it came to matters involving money.

All I can say is : you're old enough, don't feel blame. They would probably have divorced anyway : like Gabe said, you can't force them to stay together (and trying to do so would only make the situation worse). Try to support them both : it's a difficult step in life, and they really need the emotional help. Don't pick sides, though : even if they're constantly ranting, a simple nod is enough, and if they're trying to force you to pick sides, then explain to them you can't. They'll get over it as time passes.

There's no need to be anxious : divorce always seems worse than it actually is in the long run.

 

[Cresselia~~]

My parents fought so vigorously, that my mum even physically abuse him... and me if I'm on dad's side.
That doesn't change my views a bit. I'm nearly always on my dad's side.

I just think that my mum is a load of shite anyway.

They had been wanting to divorce since in the early 00's , but everytime, it's the pressure from church that cause them to not divorce.

I think it would be better of if they divorce.

I don't want to see my mum anyway.

Ya, ya, ya, they tell the church that they are not divorced, but in reality, they aren't living together. They aren't even living in the same country, lol.
And I live alone.

Seriously, I don't care if my mum is divorced or if she suddenly dies. She won't be missed.

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My boyfriend's parents are divorced when he was little.

His mum clearly has personality problems, and it's difficult for anyone to deal with her.

He rarely visits his mum, and now that she's against our marriage, he chose to cut contacts with her. That includes phone calls, text messages and facebook.

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So, in conclusion, I don't think divorcing is that bad. At least they won't be fighting anymore. It solves the fighting problem.

You are probably a grown up anyway, and you have to live separately soon or later.
You can always meet them up.