Best Friends

[Echo.]

My best friend is a girl. We don't share some things that best friends of the same gender share, such as playing football together and discussing our menstrual cycles (I assume women do this), but we get along extremely well and overall enjoy the other's company. I find that having a best friend of the other gender adds perspective and is really an interesting venture.

I have also found that in our current society it is rare when a person can identify someone as their sole "best" friend. Now people, in my findings mostly females, have an entire group of best friends from which they cannot choose a single one as the best.

This leads to my two questions regarding best friends: First, is it better to have a best friend of the same gender, or is the perspective of differing genders prove more beneficial? Second, is there a such thing as having multiple, equal best friends, or can there only truly be one? I realize that the answer to these questions is highly subjective, but I'm asking for your guys' individual opinions.

 

[Alan]

If you accept this female as your best friend, will you be able to fuck her down the road? If y: accept; else, reject.

 

[Mikazukinoyaiba]

Now people, in my findings mostly females, have an entire group of best friends from which they cannot choose a single one as the best.

You've seen how volatile those relationships are?

Girls have a lot of best friends so that when they get in a fight with one and break up with them they'd still have best friends.

In all honesty, it's not unusual for a person to have one true best friend out of a group of close friends.

 

[tup]

The whole group of best friends thing is a lie. In today's society it is not unusual to usually hang around with loads of people, but everyone can choose their best of the best friends that they have. The reason they don't is to not hurt other's feelings, because it hurts if you tell someone that you're their friend but not 'best friend'.

Alan, your post is a douchebag. And so are you.

Also, OP, I assume you're a boy?

 

[alamaster]

I don't think the fact that she's your best friend really applies to what you're saying. I think that it is certainly beneficial to have female friends, having their perspective shone on conversations/situations is always helpful. It doesn't really matter if the girl is your "best friend", but as a friend she can be a great asset and vice versa. I think having a really good friend in each gender is the best way to go, always nice to have close guy friends you can shoot the shit with too.

I have a friend whom I would consider my best friend but I also have other friends who are very important to me as well (guys and girls). I don't think it really matters if you don't have a best friend or if you have multiple best friends; as long as you enjoy their company and they enjoy yours I don't see anything wrong there.

 

[Chou Toshio]

Up till now, I have often had a "best female friend" I always talked about my girl issues with, heard about her love life issues, or just shot the breeze and talked whatever about with. Yeah . . . even if you stay friends for a couple years, those relationships always end up turning into just that, relationships for me. One side or the other (or both most often) ends up falling for the other, and the "friendship" disappears. After one of these, I found out a girl I considered my one of my closest friends for near half decade saw me as a "love interest" rather than a friend for almost the whole period. Needless to say she wasn't into just being my friend after we broke up. :( Most recently, after breaking up with my last girlfriend, I no longer have a "best female friend." :/

When it comes to guy friends it is hard too, as I kind of have a "best friend" from different stages in life. My best friend from hometown middle school, best friend (role model/upper class man) on the high school wrestling team, best friend/wing mate (guy who showed me the ropes in picking up chicks) in college. I consider all 3 of them to be my "best bud" because at that point in my life they were #1, so it's hard to say . . . :S


I figure the moment of truth will come when preparing for a wedding and your bride to be asks you to pick a best man. :S

 

[Annhialator Zero]

My best friend was a girl for a long time, but a few months ago we started arguing quite often (I really fancied her, but saw her primarily as my best friend, not a potential "love interest"). By the end of it I was really uncomfortable in her company, not really knowing from one day to the next whether I was gonna see my best friend who "loved me like a brother" (she said this merely 18 hours before breaking off our friendship) or some crazy psycho who seemed to exist to make my life hell. But yeah, she told me she didn't want to be around me as I was an "emotional drain", at which point my second best friend went BERSERK and started a fucking huge argument (culminating in a girl I'd loved as a sister telling me to "just cure my aspergers", which essentially means "get a frontal lobotomy because I hate your personality so much").

As you probably guessed, the "second best friend" I just mentioned is now my best friend, also a girl. Although in this case it's purely platonic as her love life is so fucked up I want no part of it. Basically her boyfriend is one of the nastiest pieces of work I've ever had the misfortune to encounter, yet she's completely smitten with him, they're been dating for over a year and a half. But yeah, me and her have been through a lot, she even lived at my house for a month when her parents kicked her out and she helped me loads when I was feeling depressed about all of the arguments with my previous best friend.

 

[Thund91]

The whole best friend thing is so middle school.

I have many best friends, but to me, best friends are pretty much just "friends." I enjoy all of their company and I love em, but I have yet to find one who I can say is the best; that I can share everything with and that I feel 100% comfortable around. There's one girl who comes close, but that's it.

Also, you shouldn't be worrying about if your best friend has a penis or vagina. Some of my closer friends are female but that's only because most guys I know are complete shitheads; it's probably a lot different for everyone else. Although if you needed to ask this you're probably a bit uncomfortable with the idea of an opposite gender best friend? Just my assumption.

 

[Deco]

In my experience, having a girl for a best friend (or even a good friend) is not a very good idea. There will probably always be a certain sexual tension, and as much as you tell yourself "she's attractive but I won't do anything with it because she's like a sister", when it comes right down to it, it's ridiculously difficult to forget your feelings. Therefore, I think it's a better idea to find a couple of good male friends with whom you can share (nearly) everything - yes, they do exist.

Unless, of course, you're gay. In that case it's probably the other way around.

Also, the concept of a 'BFF' is just stupid and outdated, regardless of gender. You shouldn't focus on just one person to talk about everything, it's pretty unhealthy if you ask me.

 

[Objection]

In my experience, having a girl for a best friend (or even a good friend) is not a very good idea. There will probably always be a certain sexual tension, and as much as you tell yourself "she's attractive but I won't do anything with it because she's like a sister", when it comes right down to it, it's ridiculously difficult to forget your feelings. Therefore, I think it's a better idea to find a couple of good male friends with whom you can share (nearly) everything - yes, they do exist.

I don't think it's a matter of having to "forget" your feelings. Rather, it is a matter of controlling your feelings or at least controlling the actions that would result from certain feelings, kinda like how you force yourself not to punch some in-your-face asshole in the face (if you don't have this level of self-control then I would worry - that bit goes for everyone btw).

Therefore, if you do have a best friend of the opposite gender (or same gender if you're gay), it might be a good idea to talk about sexual feelings (or lack thereof) for each other in order to set the record straight. If you can't bring yourself to have this discussion, this means you cannot confide in your "best friend", which therefore means that they are not that good a friend for you. If you find yourself unable to confide in anyone, then your problems go beyond the scope you believe they do.

 

[sneeze]

Or the opposite happens sometimes - your best friend is also somewhat of an ex-. That can actually be a pretty healthy friendship. ^_~

 

[Deco]

I don't think it's a matter of having to "forget" your feelings. Rather, it is a matter of controlling your feelings or at least controlling the actions that would result from certain feelings, kinda like how you force yourself not to punch some in-your-face asshole in the face (if you don't have this level of self-control then I would worry - that bit goes for everyone btw).

Therefore, if you do have a best friend of the opposite gender (or same gender if you're gay), it might be a good idea to talk about sexual feelings (or lack thereof) for each other in order to set the record straight. If you can't bring yourself to have this discussion, this means you cannot confide in your "best friend", which therefore means that they are not that good a friend for you. If you find yourself unable to confide in anyone, then your problems go beyond the scope you believe they do.

Oh, but I'm not saying it's completely impossible to control those feelings, or to have a mature conversation about it. But why should one even go through all this trouble when it's a lot easier to just have a completely nonsexual friendship with another guy?

 

[Magic Toaster]

I don't really go around "picking" my friends. I simply be myself and let others do the same, and friendships form naturally.

 

[Miscellaneous]

Close friendships shouldn't be affected by gender, but in all honesty most are. People of the opposite sex come and go, whilst you keep same-sex friends much longer on average. Also, I think everyone has their favorite and bestest buddy, but for most it's always been a group of close mates.

On concerning friends of different genders it's normally harder to be very close with one of the opposite gender for a long time outside of a relationship. This is because people's feelings change, a girl is much more likely to go off being friendly to a boy than to her own girl-friends. Also, once people develop feelings for a friend, that's usually the end of the friendship. Also, with the different gender, it's often hard to tell if the boy/girl likes you and your personality, or sexually likes you. I'm sure most people have experienced this, either mistaking a friend for a potential girl/boyfriend, or a potential girl/boyfriend for a friend. And these people always say what you want to hear, so in most cases, best friend of the opposite sex... no. There are always exceptions, I'm not saying dont be friends with people outside your own sex. But it will always be more complicated, one of my old girlfriends had a real issue to how emotionally close I was to another girl. And I've been jealous of girlfriend's boy-friends in the past. I'm sure loads of other people have had this jealousy problem. Well it doesn't (really) exist if your best friends are the same sex.

Because of that, it's often easier and more advisable to stay to the same sex. True story - I knew a guy from one of my previous schools that had a girlfriend, and they continued their relationship when they moved to college. That's great, but this guy was constantly with his girlfriend and her friends, and he made almost no guy mates there. So when they split, he had no friends to go to that he knew, and none of the girls would talk to him. Awful right?
but in all honestly, always have a few mates close that like you for who you are, whoever they are. It's important in life.

 

[FlareBlitz]

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I agree with When Harry Met Sally. "A guy and a girl can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way". If you have a female best friend, then while it's probable that you will both enter into a relationship at one point. It is also probable that said relationship will fail. The question to ask yourself is, if that happens, will you be able to continue being friends with her? If so, by all means, go on. Personally...that's not how it's ever worked out for me.

 

[Chomper The Sharptooth]

I would never have no guy friends, or even less guy friends than girl friends, but my last few closest friends have all been girls.

My first one was the first person I talked to constantly, and it didn't last too long but it set important precedent for my other friendships. I ended up confessing feelings for her and we were fine for a while but eventually we drifted. About a year later we were barely talking at all and she liked me and I wasn't interested at all, funny how things work.

My next 'best friend' happened by accident. I didn't know her too well, except that she liked me in 8th grade after my friends asked her out for me (without my consent, or knowledge). At this point, she liked my best guy friend and when she asked me for his number I found her number and texted it to her instead of posting it. From then on we just talked about everything as we have the past 2 years.

I also had a second best friend but, that only lasted a year. Also from liking a (different) friend. This one ended because she said I was too much of a downer the first time I needed her to listen and we couldn't be friends, funny in hindsight when compared to the sheer number of times I'd go to extreme lengths to comfort her.

I say all of this because I have taken interest in my best friend, but I've said nothing about it. I get how everything should be in the open, but I like what I have now too much to give even a 1% chance to send it to hell. It isn't an issue of not having any feelings or trying to change them, but of restraint. If you like them enough as a friend you can set that other nonsense aside.

tl;dr: Relationships with the other sex are very rewarding, chances of attraction shouldn't be a deterrent but should be kept in mind.

 

[Flamewheeler]

First off, I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with having a best friend of the opposite gender. My best friend is a female as well. ^_^

It's just not "normal"- my friend tells me all the time that people question my sexuality because of it. I don't know why, but I seem to have an easier time with chicks than dudes, but I've been that way since I was young. =/ I'm getting off topic though!

Anyway, I believe that it is possible to have more than one best friend. I actually have a group of people that I am really close to and I could probably tell any one of them anything on my mind. It's just how you interpret what a best friend should be like, I guess.

 

[Echo.]

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I agree with When Harry Met Sally. "A guy and a girl can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way". If you have a female best friend, then while it's probable that you will both enter into a relationship at one point. It is also probable that said relationship will fail. The question to ask yourself is, if that happens, will you be able to continue being friends with her? If so, by all means, go on. Personally...that's not how it's ever worked out for me.

It's a fair point to say that sexual tension can utterly ruin the friendship, but a key difference in my friendship is that neither party is particularly attracted to the other. I mean, I find her personality excellent and don't consider her ugly by any means, but physically she's just not the type of girl I'm in to. As far as I know, she feels the same. The only time I can every say that I'm truly attracted to her is at times when I'd find any girl attractive.

But if such a situation did present itself, where we find ourselves in a relationship destined to fail, I am not really sure if we'd be able to stay friends, as I cannot even imagine such a situation presenting itself.

 

[mtr]

I don't think that there can be any true platonic friendships between males and females, because one party always feels differently (doesn't have to be the male). Make acquaintances and facebook buddies with girls, say hi to them at parties etc etc, but deep, long-lasting friendships can only be forged with other men.

 

[FlareBlitz]

It's a fair point to say that sexual tension can utterly ruin the friendship, but a key difference in my friendship is that neither party is particularly attracted to the other. I mean, I find her personality excellent and don't consider her ugly by any means, but physically she's just not the type of girl I'm in to. As far as I know, she feels the same. The only time I can every say that I'm truly attracted to her is at times when I'd find any girl attractive.

But if such a situation did present itself, where we find ourselves in a relationship destined to fail, I am not really sure if we'd be able to stay friends, as I cannot even imagine such a situation presenting itself.

If you're sure you won't be attracted to each other, then it's possible it could work. But remember, there are different kinds of attraction; if you come to rely on each other heavily for emotional support, that could easily blossom into romance.

I'm not saying "don't be friends with this girl", I'm merely telling you to be aware that it's very easy for things to go all wahooni-shaped when you're close friends with a member of the opposite sex, and that you should be prepared for it.

Besides that though, good luck, and enjoy the little things about your connection while they last :)

 

[Thund91]

I don't think that there can be any true platonic friendships between males and females, because one party always feels differently (doesn't have to be the male). Make acquaintances and facebook buddies with girls, say hi to them at parties etc etc, but deep, long-lasting friendships can only be forged with other men.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I agree with When Harry Met Sally. "A guy and a girl can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way". If you have a female best friend, then while it's probable that you will both enter into a relationship at one point. It is also probable that said relationship will fail. The question to ask yourself is, if that happens, will you be able to continue being friends with her? If so, by all means, go on. Personally...that's not how it's ever worked out for me.

In my experience, having a girl for a best friend (or even a good friend) is not a very good idea. There will probably always be a certain sexual tension, and as much as you tell yourself "she's attractive but I won't do anything with it because she's like a sister", when it comes right down to it, it's ridiculously difficult to forget your feelings. Therefore, I think it's a better idea to find a couple of good male friends with whom you can share (nearly) everything - yes, they do exist.

Unless, of course, you're gay. In that case it's probably the other way around.

Just thought I'd quote some of the posts that have a mentality from the 50's.

Although it may be different wherever you are, I have no idea. But can you seriously tell me that a guy and girl can't have a platonic friendship with no sexual tension whatsoever (please don't say "OK MAYBE IF THE GIRLS FAT AND THE GUYS A NERD") I and a shitload of my friends are basically able to throw away everything you guys said into the trash...Guys hugging girls, girls hugging guys, dirty jokes, outings, the whole enchilada, and yet most never even shared just a romantic kiss. Or are we just all retarded or something?

And I guess this means my life should be hell. I'm not allowed to be friends with guys cause I'd want their cock, and I'm not allowed to be friends with girls cause they'd want my cock. So who am I supposed to hang out with exactly?

 

[FlareBlitz]

No, it's not possible for a male and a female who find each other attractive to have a relationship devoid of sexual tension. That's not a "mentality from the 50s". It's a statement derived from an understanding of human biology and social psychology.

Now, whether that sexual tension is suppressed/ignored/resolved through whatever means...that's a different story. I merely pointed out that those are some of complications that will arise in such close friendships.
I'm still friends with lots of exes (the less insane ones, anyway) but only because we've already been down the romantic route and it didn't work. That's why I specifically asked OP if he would be okay with such a scenario...because most people wouldn't.

Obviously your case doesn't quite apply here because you're gay; you don't find women attractive and other straight men don't find you attractive, presumably.

 

[Thund91]

No, it's not possible for a male and a female who find each other attractive to have a relationship devoid of sexual tension. That's not a "mentality from the 50s". It's a statement derived from an understanding of human biology and social psychology.

Now, whether that sexual tension is suppressed/ignored/resolved through whatever means...that's a different story. I merely pointed out that those are some of complications that will arise in such close friendships.
I'm still friends with lots of exes (the less insane ones, anyway) but only because we've already been down the romantic route and it didn't work. That's why I specifically asked OP if he would be okay with such a scenario...because most people wouldn't.

Obviously your case doesn't quite apply here because you're gay; you don't find women attractive and other straight men don't find you attractive, presumably.

But as you can see from the posts I quoted one went so far to say that any platonic friendship between a male and female is impossible, and the other said that having a good female friend is a bad idea because there will always be sexual tension. Also, in your first post you didn't make any mention of the word I bolded above. I wasn't talking about attraction (physical); I was talking about platonic friendship. From the posts I quoted in my first post we can deduce that all 3 of you thought that every single opposite gender friendship forged since the beginning of time had some sort of sexual tension or physical attraction, which isn't the case. It's certainly possible for platonic friendship to lead to a relationship (and most of the time we get our girlfriend/boyfriend from our friends, because we spend so much time with them anyway and know them well), but to simply write off that a platonic friendship with no physical attraction between the two persons involved is impossible seems a bit stupid to me. Attraction isn't always there. You're not attracted to every person of the opposite gender you see. If you are, well, I feel sorry for you.

My case still applies. Just change the gender of the person in your guys' posts and it would be saying stuff like this (if you're gay and the other male is supposedly straight; works for lesbians too!): "A guy and a guy can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way" or "In my experience, having a guy for a best friend (or even a good friend) is not a very good idea. There will probably always be a certain sexual tension, and as much as you tell yourself "he's attractive but I won't do anything with it because he's like a brother..." Well I hope by now you see my point.

If we're only supposed to be "best" and "really good" friends with people we can NEVER EVER be romantically interested in or them back to us, that means I can only be best friends with lesbians....I love me some lesbians but that seems a bit odd. Just because I find one of my straight male friends attractive doesn't mean I want to fuck all of them, and just because one of my straight lady friends finds me attractive doesn't mean I'm going to avoid all straight females.

Basically what I'm trying to get at is....that I agree with you that sexual tension/physical attraction is present in some female-male male-male female-female whatever else there is friendships. That much is obvious. But to say that platonic friendships should be avoided from the opposite gender is a bit silly and in my experience and from what I've observed, it's 100% possible.

 

[ak_Archangel]

I have a friendship like this with a person i knew since I was like 5. I like having more guy friends then female cause girls cause alot of shit. Along with it its more beneficial usually to the girl cause the guy does get protective and that sometimes helps out alot.

 

[Echo.]

Also, OP, I assume you're a boy?

Forgot to answer this. Yeah, I'm a guy.

I'm also not gay, as a couple of posts above may have wondered. The majority of my friends are male, with her being the best exception.