Seeking advice on coming out / not coming out to friends and family

[November Blue]

I'm not sure I understand why people feel the need to come out to their family. I'm Bisexual (mostly gay.) My family doesn't know, and I don't plan on telling them anytime soon.

Maybe it's just me. I don't have a very good relationship with them. I told my friends ages ago and the're fine with it. Hell, my two best friends are straight and gay (and I'm bi lol.)

I have a mum, aunty, and grandparents. My mum loves me unconditionally, my aunty thinks I'm the antichrist, and my grandfather loved me, but he's dead now. My grandma did too, but I don't have much of a relationship with her, I don't see her much.

I got my first inkling of how my family felt about homosexuality when... actually, it was when my aunty came home from america. I had never met her before, and she had lived there for at least 10 years. A lot of her friends were gay guys, and it was a part of her lifestyle if you know what I mean. The family seemed fine with the subject.

I met my other best friend (the gay one) through my first best friend (straight.) We hung out a lot, The family knew about him (but not about me. I was a straight boy with a gay friend.)

One day, his homosexuality came up in conversation with my grandfather. He loved me a lot, we were really close and all, but when he expressed his disgust, I felt a part of myself shatter.

From there came anarchy. My new friend was an untrustworthy predator, he was going to influence me ect. (my family is old school, not religious)
He was my boyfriend at the time, and they wanted to meet him, check him out, then tried to get me away from him. The whole family found out I was friends with a gay. My mum was a little weirded out, but ok. My aunty probably would have accepted it, but she took shots at me relentlessly.

My grandparents near had an intervention, even going so far as to go over to his house and tell him he couldn't see me anymore. I kept seeing him in secret, they eventually forgot about it, and we broke up after a year or so.

Things have changed now, so if I told them, they'd probably take it much better. I see no reason to tell them now though. I have no need to.

Hell, I already bend over backwards just for a shred of acceptance and approval. The less they know about me, the better we get along.

I admire everyone in this thread for coming out, but....

 

[Thund91]

I'm not sure I understand why people feel the need to come out to their family. I'm Bisexual (mostly gay.) My family doesn't know, and I don't plan on telling them anytime soon.

We come out to the ones we love or see everyday because we don't want to live a double life. We don't want to have a boyfriend while out with friends than be forced to visit family alone or with a faghag and say she's our "girlfriend." We don't want to have to make up excuses each time we see them (oh, he's just my friend/roommate/etc..). This is not good for people psychologically.

I'm sorry to say but from just your first paragraph I can tell that you're not ready to be out to your family (at least, not in a way that they don't have to question it). There's nothing wrong with that; it takes time. Although my guess would be the reason is something to do with some form of insecurity or shame. You'll get over it eventually.

 

[jrrrrrrr]

I find it ridiculous that people can reject people based upon something they cannot choose. It's like hating someone because they're black, or asian, or whatever else.

People reject others for that reason because they only see it as a choice. They have to rest on that "logic" because their former opinion of "homosexuality isn't natural!" has been thoroughly debunked for decades. I guess that means we're making progress. Just remember, it only gets better for us and worse for them as more people start reversing the homophobic trends coming from the religious right. Polls show that more and more young people every day support equal rights for homosexuals, so as bad as it sounds we just have to wait for the old bigots to die off. I can't help but laugh at your confederate flag avatar in this context.

I'm not sure I understand why people feel the need to come out to their family. I'm Bisexual (mostly gay.) My family doesn't know, and I don't plan on telling them anytime soon.

You can only hear the question "so why don't you have a girlfriend yet?" from your family so many times before it starts really bugging you.

I didn't say anything because I was sure my Dad would kill me. In fact, he told me at a young age "If you turn out to be a (BAN ME PLEASE), I will kill you" (no lie). I never let this whole confusion bother me until high school. I always thought about it, but I would always tell myself that there was some other reason behind it. Maybe it was because I wanted to be like them (physically anyway) or looking for a father-figure (weird, I know) because my Dad was definately not the best.

Yeah, dads are stereotypically not thrilled about homosexual sons. I know mine was the same. It's not about him, this is about you. That is an incredibly harsh thing for any parent to say to a child, even if you replace the word "(BAN ME PLEASE)" with something else. They'll see that you're still their son even if you don't agree with everything they want for you, it sounds like your mom is already doing a good job of that.

You don't have to make excuses for why you are gay. Whether it's genetic or not, you are still attracted to males and you will have to deal with it no matter what the cause.

I have the same urges, but it seems like I feel a stronger attraction towards males, though I still like a hot female. I just don't pop a boner like some of you horndogs (ex: hot girls thread).

You should look up the Kinsey Scale. There are almost no "completely gay" people, just like there are almost no "completely straight" people. Sexuality is not a static trait, it changes and matures along with the rest of you. If you read up on this, it could help you learn a bit more about yourself and make you feel more secure.

Congrats on finally coming out, I'm glad everything worked out for you. It only gets better from here!

 

[Miscellaneous]

You should look up the Kinsey Scale. There are almost no "completely gay" people, just like there are almost no "completely straight" people. Sexuality is not a static trait, it changes and matures along with the rest of you. If you read up on this, it could help you learn a bit more about yourself and make you feel more secure.

I'd like to stress this. Most men don't get boners from absolutely every attractive woman. Also some same-sex friends can be very close. It's never easy to completely understand how you feel but being honest with yourself is definitely the best policy.

I can't possibly imagine what it's like to have a pressure like that hanging over you, I can only compare to a time I've had to say something of which I'm scared of the reactions I'll get.

I can't say I've read the whole thread, but I got the impression you came out and said it. You definitely have my respect, any form homosexuality is unfairly shunned nowadays. although admittedly, it's getting better (but not good enough!) I actually gave up Christianity a few years ago because of how they treat/view gay marriage. Congratulations, remember if someone doesn't accept you for who you are, that is their problem, not yours!

 

[Flamewheeler]

I'm too lazy and tired to c/p quotes xD so yea...anyway...jrrrr, I thank you for your response and I'm going to take a look at that kinsey scale thing cuz it looks interesting. And the confederate flag was representative of team south in Wcop, not because I support it outside of that context. =) I am however, fully southern lol because I was born and raised in Florida. I don't have an accent and I'm definitely not country though! I grew up in Miami (a big city, but you probably already know that), so I'm the least southern out of anyone else I know lol. And the whole old bigots dieing of thing sounded really made, but it made me laugh...I'm going to hell Dx.

And Misc., thank you as well. I appreciate your kind words and I especially like your last line. I've actually been trying to live by that! =)

Edit: Not that it's absolutely necessary, but I've been talking to more guys and I'm crossing my fingers that maybe one of these things can turn into a relationship. =) Wish me luck!

 

[Cyrrona]

I remember stumbling across this thread a couple months ago and wanting to post but it'd been dead for a while so I couldn't...but now looks like the perfect time to chime in! Great job with your mom—coming out is no walk in the park (especially with parents), and I'm so glad to hear everything's unfolding smoothly! It's always so liberating to get that stuff off your chest and out into the open... Sometimes you never truly realize how emotionally exhausting it is in the closet until you step out. I'm actually planning on coming out to my parents sometime this winter, so I can only hope they'll take it as well as your mom did.

Best of luck with the guy search, too! There's a lot of luck involved in finding someone, but you're definitely increasing your odds by talking to lots of people like that. I stumbled into my current relationship largely by accident, but the opportunity wouldn't have even presented itself if I wasn't putting myself out there. Just be patient and keep doing what you're doing--something's bound to happen sooner or later. :)

(Also this is off-topic but Florida representttt!)