Let's Play Pokémon FireRed: Fuck Exposition

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I'm bored, so I'm doing an LP of a game that's been LP'd many many times already. Let's get this over with, shall we?

Now, do we want to be a boy or a g-

[19:16:15] <@Phiddlesticks> girl
[19:16:17] <@Phiddlesticks> name: ALICE
[19:16:21] <@Phiddlesticks> rival: JACOB

Please aim your bile in Phiddlesticks' direction, not mine.

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Well, that saved me some time. This is going to be the SPEEDRUN of LP's, I can feel it.

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Who the fuck is Alice?

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I shouldn't have said that.

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Apparently VBA is also the world's shittiest NES emulator.

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Don't forget your useless medicine, kids!

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What a responsible mother. Honestly, who leaves the rearing of their child to a fucking television?

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Oh, right, now I know why I had that Potion.

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?????

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Yes, it lets fat fucks like you and Sprinkles flash their dicks over the internet. What a concept.

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Playing an 11-year-old girl means I have no idea how to write a caption for this, but let's assume she's going shopping like a stereotype.

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Jesus fuck

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Oh, it's not Professor Oak! It's Alf Stewart, taking me to his rape dungeon.

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As you might imagine, someone named after a Twilight character is eager to be sodomized.

There's a bunch of exposition in this spot but I think you know what comes next, so:

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Who do we go with, and what do we call them?
 
Well seadra is a neccesary team member, so squirtle is out. Also charizard has a mighty seismic toss, so i would go charmander.
 
Given that a whole four people picked Charmander to Bulbasaur's one...

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Also, pookar gives me a theme to work with. BOO-URNS doesn't. Sorry Rodan.

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As you can see, Cockbag here has made the strategic choice. Unfortunately, this is in-game where strategic choices mean jack shit.

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Smell ya later, Cockbag.

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Why would you even consider that

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No, fuck off

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Oh, you wanted a fight.

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Redundancy!

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Well, given the website I'm posting this on, it's safe to say that, yes, I have had a Pokémon battle before. Thanks for assuming.

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OK pookar LET'S DO THIS SHIT

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MAKE A NOISE AT HIM

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TAKE THAT DEFENSE DROP

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SCRATCH HIM WITH THOSE LONG, GIRLISH FINGERNAILS

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SHIT YEAH

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:pimp:

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Cockbag, realizing he's trying to apply strategy to in-game Pokémon, steals my insult and leaves in a huff.

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I then take my leave to Viridian City, where there will be some sort of fetch quest waiting for me there.

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I could mention how this is the first step on a long journey, but let's just skip to the fighting, shall we?

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Jesus fuck

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It's a... pidgeon? No, it's not a pidgeon. I have no idea what this is, actually.

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But whatever it is, it's in a better place now.

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Especially since pookar is now practicing arson.

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While I cure pookar, we are attacked by a giant purple rat.

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He's a fast learner, isn't he?

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Well, pookar's nearly dead again, so this gives me a cheap excuse to head to the Pokémon Center.

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This particular line never fails to disturb me.

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Onward!

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Backward!

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Why do these people know this

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Told you.

On the way back:

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:toast:

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He's a complete psychopath, but, you know, we're getting along fine.

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?????

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Oh, hey, Cockbag. Nice job being bad as usual.

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Burn the entire Breaking Dawn manuscript? I'd be glad to.

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Oh.

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Well, that's all well and good, but I can't catch them unless you give me some bloody Poké Balls.

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Oh.

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What an ungrateful little shit.

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Now that we can finally catch Pokémon, I'll be taking some requests as to what the team should look like, assuming they're not 6 Magikarp/Pidgey/etc.
 
I think you need a Wigglytuff for large Substitutes. Not really good for anything else, just large Substitutes. Might want to name it J-Lo because she wiggles her tuff all the time.

Also you'll need a spearow so you can trade it for a SLAVE farfetch'd
 
I love let's plays, I can never understand the hate they get

unless they suck and aren't funny of course.

You need a mother fucking top tier rattata!
 
I'm throwing a vote in for Mankey, go all kung-fu on Brock's ass. Also agreeing with the Nidoking vote above. Oh, and if you have some (read: a lot of) patience, Tauros would be pretty awesome too.
 
I'm throwing a vote in for Mankey, go all kung-fu on Brock's ass. Also agreeing with the Nidoking vote above. Oh, and if you have some (read: a lot of) patience, Tauros would be pretty awesome too.
Considering I have save states, I don't need much patience.

Also, I'm starting to get a bit of an idea as to what team I'll be going with. More to come later.
 
I just had a brilliant idea - you need to get a Rhydon with Surf, T-Bolt, Ice Beam, and Flamethrower. Not only do you get supreme type coverage, but you will annihilate pokes with your monstrous Special Attack stat!

EDIT: But you'll be walled by Lanturn. Sad face.
 
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This is how you catch one of those poke mons, right?

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Guess so.

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Credit to porygon3 since apparently Alch really does look like a pidgeon

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We also catch a giant purple rat...

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...and name it after the rattiest member on Smogon. (Credit to Phiddlesticks)

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We continue on to Route 22, eager to softly softly catchee Mankey.

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But first, we run into an mean Spearow.

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And name it after an mean member. (Credit to The Smog)

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Job done, let's head home. (Default nickname)

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I suppose we should get Hazerider some medical attention first...

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Apparently the Pokémon League is this way. I wonder what their thoughts are on arson and hysterical monkeys.

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Fuck.

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Not only is Cockbag a loser, he's a stereotypical Italian-American gangster loser.

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See? The League rejected him already.

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Why, yes, they did. Why do you ask?

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This is appropriate music for the whole "warp-space-time-continuum" thing.

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Oh.

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To be honest here, I'm kinda fucked.

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Let's let the arsonist handle it.

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rey gets in four Tail Whips and 1 Quick Attack before eating shit.

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OK, Hazerider, you're weaker than rey is, so don't get hurt too-

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HOLY FUCK

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Why, yes, Cockbag, I did. You mad?

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Cockbag takes his leave, eager to be sodomized by some over-sexed fat 15-year-old girl with a giant strap-on.

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Recap.

Next up: Viridian Forest.
 
I think an Ekans would work for #6. My first thoughts were Paras, Exeggcute, and Koffing, but none of those will show up for a while I don't think
 
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